Summary ideas about grief: “We have all become bereaved following the passing of our loved ones. The complex of feelings we encounter on that journey is what we call grief. Grieving is what we go though as we grieve. We are looking to find healing from and within our grief. The pain we feel as we grieve is not necessarily a bad thing nor something to be avoided. Difficult as it is, it may just be something we have to go through.

Two thoughts to begin with:

“Life is like a river that carries us and grief is like a flood that tries to wash us away.”

“Grief and grieving are like waves breaking on a beach, overwhelming during a storm and changing to broader, lower swells that wash up less often and more gently on the shore when the storm is over.”

Waves of Grief:

One of the more commonly expressed ideas about grief from people who are grieving is that rather than being a constant, feelings of grief rise and fall like waves in the ocean and at the shore. Waves of grief is a powerful image for not only grief but also for the healing process to come.

While waves occur in the ocean all the time and wash up on the shore all the time, they are always more intense during storms. Between storms, the waves are more gentle, they are less high and they come less often. The waves between storms are still there, they are just not as overwhelming. So too with grief.

In our grief, the waves can be large and strong as well as small and gentle. We may ultimately have to experience and accept the storm waves and the changes they bring and also learn ways to find some relative peace and healing during the calms.

The image of waves of grief is also a good model for how our grieving effects us. Over time, grief tends to ebb and flow, rise and fall in its intensity and to contain both storms and calms along the way. Slowly, as time passes, while the waves of grief still remain, rather than overwhelming storm-type waves being dominant, the grief waves become more gentle and come less often, just as the waves in the ocean do after the storms have passed. 

In both waves on the ocean and in waves of grief, it is good to remember that the larger waves can often be stronger than we are. If we try to fight them or run from them, we will use energy in that fight or flight and have less energy available for healing once the waves have passed or calmed. 

Waves of grief is also a model of flow, of acceptance of not only what has happened in our lives, but of acceptance of the waves of grief themselves, as, when and how they come over us. It’s about not resisting the waves but of learning to surf and ride with them even in the pain that they bring and the tears that we shed as they come over us. Eventually, we can learn to let the grief waves move us towards the shore of healing and wellness. 

In a sense, we have to learn to “drown proof” ourselves, to learn to bob up and down and stay afloat in both the large waves and the small ones, through the storms and through the calms. If we can, we need to find ways to let the waves take us where they will for awhile in the same way we might ride out a rip tide that takes us away from the shore, as we husband our strength and begin to learn to gain some control over where the waves take us.

As part of these images, also consider that Waves of Grief = Waves of Love! Each time a wave of grief crashes over you, no matter it’s intensity, mixed with the pain and feelings of loss and sadness, remember that we grieve because we love! We wouldn’t be here sharing our grief without the love that we have for our spouses or partners.

Hope vs. Hopelessness: Looking for some light…

When the waves of grief crash over us, they can cause so much sadness and pain that sometimes feelings of hopelessness can occur. Especially early on when the waves crash over us often and repeatedly, it sometimes gets to feeling like we will never get any relief and the pain will remain that intense forever. 

I’ve heard people say about their grief, that “this hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, no one can be hurting as much as I am”.

It can feel that bad and it can feel that unique. 

Grief can make us sick or sick-feeling all day long and for day after day. It can make us confused and make it difficult to focus. It can often make us cry at times like we will never be able to stop. We may cry so intensely at times that we can hardly catch our breaths. Grief can keep us from eating and sleeping, from having the energy or clarity to do things we normally do. It generally messes with everything in our lives as wave after wave crashes over us. It can feel that bad and that hopeless!

Fortunately, for a large number of us, with time, if we just hold on and learn to “bob up and down” and not struggle against them, as the grief waves become less high and come less often, we start being able to catch our breath between the waves and the tears. We can then slowly begin to take control back into our own hands. 

In time, we can begin to move through our healing journeys and start to learn to live again, our minds can begin to grow clear as the fog recedes and we can actively and intentionally begin building the next part of our lives.

Telling your story is important… The Value of Support Groups:

To help us deal with the pain and the isolation we may feel during the storms of our grief, one thing we can do is to find ways to come together and tell our stories. We can share that pain, dilute it by the sharing and find some relief by letting it be expressed outside of ourselves. We can see that we are not as alone as we thought in what we are feeling and going through. 

A valuable thing, especially in the early part of our grief journeys, is to tell our grief story, over and over if we need to, to people who understand our need to do so, even if other people in our life get tired of hearing it.

Support groups and the people in them offer a place where we can do that, where it’s always ok to grieve and cry and where no one is telling us to “get over it” or “suck it up” and move on. They are a place where everyone understands that grief is difficult and it takes time and sometimes a lot of time for our grief journeys to unfold and that we only find healing as and when we find healing.

And again, a very important part of the group experience is that it will let you know that you aren’t alone in what you are experiencing and that sharing your grief journey with others will help to create healing over time. Learning that what is happening to you isn’t as unique as it seems to be, helps you feel less isolatedand can be a strong part of the healing process in its own right as it helps you to weather the waves and storms of grief that sometimes threaten to overcome you. 

Becoming each others “Friends in Grief”: Hope for your Healing…

It may not be obvious, especially early in our journeys, but as we listen and share our stories and the pain and sadness and other emotions we feel, we are also learning about each other. We are building strong bases on which friendships can develop as we help each other to work through our grief, as we build the foundations upon which the next part of our lives and the people in them will rest. 

As time goes by, especially if past friends and relationships change or fall away because of our changed lives, these new “friends in grief” can become the core of the people we journey forward with. The people we meet in our group meetings and events can become the friends we share our lives with as we develop who we will be in the lives we live going forward. 

Our present and future social lives and their conversations, interactions and relationships can all build out of these friendships because we always have that basic commonality of “I get it, I know how you’re feeling”, that creates a comfort and familiarity no matter our backgrounds or beliefs. 

These can also be the people who toss us a life-ring to help us ride out the waves of a particularly stormy sea. Connecting with others who share this journey and letting each other know we are there to help in whatever way we can is a very important gift we can give each other.

Getting other help: 

Please seek out help, perhaps professional counseling if dealing with your grief begins to seem too overwhelming. Please call someone if you feel badly or isolated or out of control. 

Many of us were caregivers in some way during our lives, please don’t hesitate to let someone help you in your need now, as you may once have helped others in theirs.

Questions:

• How do the waves of grief happen to you? What does it feel like? What feelings do they contain? Can you separate them or are they deeply intertwined?
• Does your grief make you feel isolated?
• Does your grief make you feel hopeless?
• Does it help to know that others share many of the same feelings and experiences during their grief?
• How do the waves come differently for you now if you have been grieving for a while?
• Can you see a time when you can perhaps start to live again in a new way, perhaps with the people you are meeting and becoming friends with through a support group?