This discussion is yet another in the series on socialization and relationships. It is a continuation of the ideas we talked about in our discussions of loneliness and illusions. They can all be related to each other and to the ideas we will discuss on dating and relationships later. They may all stem from the same empty places in our lives and in what we might want, need or look for as we move into new social explorations along our grief journeys.

For many of us, I suspect that a potentially rather large missing part of our lives now, whether we are aware of it or not, is affection. We’ve talked about affirmation and approval as things we might miss from our lives with our loved ones but maybe down inside someplace or maybe someplace close to the surface, there is also an empty space where affection lived that we (maybe achingly) miss and/or would perhaps like to fill again regardless of how we feel about relationships at this point in our journeys. Sex can also be something we miss and sometimes in our grief, we can become confused about what we are really looking for in our illusions and our choices of how we want interactions with others to unfold.

Maybe our lives with our loved ones were filled with obvious affection or maybe they were not, maybe we long for affection lost or affection we didn’t have or for affection we would like to have now. Maybe we aren’t interested in affection now at all. Maybe this is something you want to talk about and maybe it’s something very private and you want or need to keep it to yourself. 

Either way, no matter how it was in your life with your loved one, the question here is: How do you feel about affection now and what would you want it to look like going forward? What would you like affection to look like in the next part of your life if you had a choice or if you have a desire to have it be there now or in the future?

I saw something on Facebook a while ago that basically said “I rolled over in bed and caressed my own hand, I miss affection so much.” 

“I’m just looking for some touch” …ZZ Top.

Affection: A gentle feeling of fondness or liking for another. A mental state; an emotion and a feeling that includes physical expressions of affection and touch. 

Affection may be as simple as a hug between friends and as complex as the deep affectionate behavior between two people in a long term relationship. In grief, we may find that we miss, want or need any or all levels of affection and especially the types of affection we shared with our loved ones.

Thoughts about affection:

The need for physical touch is important to most people. It’s also a very deep and primitive human need that at some level we all may seek or want or need to have. Perhaps we need affection and/or touch in some way for us to be fulfilled in our hearts and emotions. Perhaps they are connected at some deep level within us. At some level, our behavior towards others can be shaped by our want or need to receive or to give affection and the kindness of gentle physical touch that is often part of affection’s outward manifestation. Think about how wonderful a hug feels now!

Mental and emotional affection are also very important ways we connect with others, especially in relationships. The affectionate affirmations we give each other and the words of kindness we share are perhaps just as important as the touches. While they seem to fill different needs, I wonder if again, deep down in our hearts we may all want or need the affirmation that tells us we are real and present and someone cares about us that is an important message that affection sends. 

In our grief, affection may be something many of us miss or miss intensely and we may also feel we are now in a world where we must live without it (forever) because the object of our affection is no longer with us. We may miss what we had or what we wish we had in our relationships with our loved ones but now, either way, they can no longer be fulfilled with that person. 

But no matter what, I know it is hugely important in our grief and grieving because I’ve heard so many people sadly talking about how much they miss the affection they shared with their loved ones regardless of how large or small a part of their lives it may have been. It was one of the largest empty spaces in my own journey that I needed to understand and find resolution for.

In our grief, remembered affection is often so tied to our love and to our loved ones that they are hard to separate. Because of that, it seems to me that there may be a certain amount of guilt that can happen by just thinking about wanting to give or receive affection with or from someone else. A greater or lesser amount of guilt may show up if we actually choose to act in seeking, giving, or receiving affection from or with someone else. Affection by its very nature needs an “object”, another person to share it with. 

Here again, there are no simple answers, just a lot of questions to think about and perhaps try to answer for ourselves before acting on any thoughts we might have either way. Our answers can be fairly revealing and different at different points throughout our journey. Many of these questions and our answers to them can be quite private also. They may be things to think about during a quiet time at home.

A difficult question or two we might ask ourselves at the start: 

Are we willing to take the risk and the chance of sharing affection and especially deep affection with someone again, perhaps in a relationship of some type, knowing what we know and what we’ve experienced of loss? How much of how we react to the thought of sharing affection now or in the future is based on or comes out of a fear of another loss or of possibly repeating the pain we have experienced in our grief? 

In light of the pain our grief has brought us, would we, could we, should we, choose to look for and perhaps share close affection with someone again. Are we willing to risk experiencing everything that close affection might bring; the joy, the peace, the smiles, maybe love, maybe sadness and loss and perhaps the commitment it might require again in the next part of our lives? Can we and do we want to try to build meaningful affection with someone in the time we have remaining in our own lives? If any of this is true, can we work on it, understand it and overcome our resistance to any part of it if we need to, to allow ourselves to find new affection in our lives despite the past if we choose to? Is something better than nothing?

Are these things we need to think about and perhaps talk about with someone in advance or as we go along while we develop relationships? Is it fair to look to share affection with someone if we haven’t thought about it, at least a little bit, in advance? What if we begin to share affection with someone and in the middle of creating a relationship that contains that affection, we all-of-a-sudden realize that we really don’t want to experience any of those things again especially the things that may look like what we remember in our grief? Then what????

However we do it, in the end, as with everything in grief, whatever you come up with, they are your answers, they define how you feel at any point along the way and your answers are always ok and not subject to other’s judgements of your thoughts, behavior or choices. Try to be safe, try to be gentle and honest with yourself and others as you work through how you feel about these often emotion-filled ideas. Please be as respectful of others in their choices about affection and the relationships that contain it, if you encounter them, as you would want them to be respectful of yours.

We can talk about any of these things that you want to here and maybe gain some insights into your own feelings and provide ideas for others to think about as well. Perhaps asking and answering these questions together can help us in our healing journeys. Remember too, that your answers to the questions here will be how you feel right now and don’t necessarily have to stay the same forever…

These are surely not the only things you might think or feel or have experienced about affection and its connection to illusions or to relationships, they are just things that occurred to me as I was writing this and I would welcome any additional insights into this very complex and potentially emotional topic.

What ways can affection manifest?

From an AI search: Expressions of affection can include verbal affirmations like “I love you,” physical touch like hugging or holding hands, thoughtful gifts, quality time together, and acts of service, all of which can strengthen bonds and show care. 

Verbal Affirmations:

• “I love you” 
• Compliments 
• Words of encouragement
• Expressions of appreciation
• Affectionate nicknames 

Physical Touch:

• Hugging 
• Kissing 
• Holding hands 
• Cuddling
• Patting someone’s back
• Wrapping your arm around another’s shoulder or waist 

Gifts:

• Thoughtful presents 
• Cards 
• Flowers 

Quality Time:

• Spending time together
• Undivided attention
• Going on dates  

Acts of Service:

• Helping with chores 
• Running errands
• Making meals 
• Offering practical help 

Two sets of questions about affection and sexuality to consider, not from AI (in no particular order): 

Missing affection:

• How big a component of our lives with our loved ones was based on or included affection?
• What things do we miss? 
• What do we regret?
• What level/type of affection do we miss?
• What would we like to experience now?
• Would we like to have more affection or less affection or the same amount of affection in our lives then we had with our loved ones if we had affection now?
• Can hugs be enough affection now?

• When is it time in our journey to start thinking about bringing affection and deep affection back into our lives? 
• Is the timetable the same for everyone?
• Is there a timetable at all?
• What types of affectionate expressions would we want to bring into our lives now?
• Are they the same as before?
• Is it ok to have affection in your life now if it appears?
• Will it ever be ok to do that?
• How do we do that if we want to?
• ***How do we let someone know that we want affection and how do we define the boundaries of what we want or are willing to share?
• How do we know if and when we might want to?

• How much do you miss affection now?
• Why do you miss it and what do you miss?
• What would it take to want to and agree to sharing close affection with someone now?
• If not now, when would/should/can it be ok to share close affection with someone?
• How careful should we be in choosing who we share affection with if we do?
• Why would it not be ok to share close affection with someone, especially if it was reciprocal?
• Would it take a fixed relationship and what would it need to look like to have affection shared with another person?
• Would it feel like a betrayal to share affection with someone else now or in the future?
• Why would it feel the way?
• Who gets to decide if it’s ok or not?
• Would you want the affection in a new relationship, if you chose to have one, to look the same as it did in your relationship with your loved one?
• What level of affection if any are you wanting or willing to share now?
• How would it feel to use words of affection or words of endearment now?
• Would it be ok to use words of affection with someone new in your life?
• Do words of affection need to be part of how you share affection with someone?
• Can you use the same words of affection or endearment with someone new as you did with your loved one?
• How might that make you feel?
• Is it ok or is it a betrayal?
• How do you develop words of affection if you want to that are different?

• How does it make you feel to see others sharing affection? 
• Is it hard to see affection in others without it triggering your sadness or grief?
• How does it make you feel when you see an older couple walking hand in hand?
• How can you find peace seeing affection in others?
• Do you feel jealous when you see other couples sharing affection?
• Does seeing affection between two people make you angry as you think about what you are missing?
• Does seeing affection between two people make you happy for them?
• What part in how you feel does guilt play?
• What if you see affection between two people who are also bereaved?
• How does seeing that make you feel and why?
• Does or should their being bereaved make a difference?
• If seeing that makes you angry or sad, why do you think it does so?
• If seeing affection between two (bereaved) people makes you happy, why does it do that?
• Is there or should there be a difference in how you feel about bereaved people showing or sharing affection than non-bereaved people? 
• When will you or should you be able to see them show affection without sad or negative feelings even if it isn’t ok for you to do so then? 
• Is it ok to just be happy for them?

• Do we want to be without or starved for affection forever?
• Do we want to have affection again even if we aren’t “starved” for it now? Even if it isn’t forever?
• Can we have affection again?
• Can it be ok to do so? Who decides?
• How do we decide?

What does or might affection look like to you now?

• Can we separate affection from love?
• Are they the same for you?
• Are they different? How are they different?
• Are they so closely bound together that one is necessary for the other?
• Are they closely bound together with thoughts or memories of your loved one?
• Are they so closely bound to your loved one that you can’t imagine affection with anyone else? 
• What order do love and affection have to come in if they are both important?
• Does one lead to the other? 
• Is missing not only love but affection part of your grief?
• Is that part of your grief more about missing love?
• Is that part of your grief more about missing affection?
• Can you have one without the other?
• If you can, can it be love without affection or affection without love?
• Do you want one without the other?
• Would you be willing to have one without the other? How would you do that?
• Do we have to seek affection or does it just show up?
• What reasons are there to seek or receive or give affection now?
• Are there different types of affection and are they given or received under different circumstances?
• Can affection be given or received out of or as an expression of kindness?
• Can affection be given or received out of or as an expression of friendship?
• Can affection be freely given or received without special meaning?
• Is affection always equally shared or can it be given or received by someone with no reciprocation? 
• Should there be equal affection given and received from both people sharing affection? What happens when it’s not equal or even the same?
• Can we be affectionate with the people we care about but don’t have special relationships with? How would that look and be different?
• Does affection have to take the same form or express itself in the same way for both people sharing affection? 

• Is there a difference between deep affection and casual affection?
• If so, can you want one and not the other? Which one might you want?
• Do you want both or neither?
• Are there different levels or expressions of affection you might give or want to receive?
• Does affection have to take the same form with everyone you share it with or give it to?
• Should affection only be shared out of deep attraction or love between two people?
• Should (deep) affection only be shared by people in relationships?

• Is affection gender based? Do we express affection differently with others of our own gender or with those of other genders than our own?
• Can some expressions of affection be universal and just indicate caring? 
• Do the same expressions of affection have multiple meanings that depend on the situation they are expressed in?
• Do expressions of affection contain cultural and social signals?
• Can we neutralize those if they exist and are unwelcome?
• Can we separate affection from sex and sexuality?
• Are they the same for you?
• Are they so closely bound together that one is necessary for the other?
• If so, what order do they have to come in?
• Is one ok but not the other?
• Are they so closely bound together that they can’t be separated?
• ***How will you know if what you are feeling or wanting is a desire for affection or for sex or both?
• ***How honest can you be about that with yourself or others?
• Is it ok to want one without the other?
• Are they both ok to want?
• Are they ok to want separately?
• Is it different for men and women?
• Which way does it go?

• Where and how does non-sexually expressed affection differ from sexually expressed affection or affection leading to sexual activity or having a sexual expression. 
• Are sex and sexuality part of affection or are they two different things and different but possibly overlapping needs?
• Can you have one without the other?
• Can you separate your need for affection from your need for sexuality?
• Are they the same or different for you? Is one necessary for the other?
• What order do they have to come in if they are necessary?
• Can you separate your need for affection from your need for love?
• Can you separate either or both of them from your need for sexuality?
• Should the need or want of affection move us towards and/or into new relationships?
• How do you know what to do? 
• How will you know what to do?
• How far does affection go in creating or sustaining relationships?
• Where does loneliness fit into our want or need for affection in any of its expressions?
• Is it ok to have a relationship that is based mainly or totally on affection? 
• Is it possible to have a relationship without affection?
• Do you need to be in a “formal” relationship to share affection, especially close physical affection with someone?
• What types or levels of physical affection are there that you would or would not be willing to share?
• Is there guilt in wanting or seeking or giving affection?
• Why is there guilt?
• What is that guilt saying if it’s there?
• What can we do about it if we feel it?
• Is it wrong to want to receive or give affection?
• Is it wrong to do that?
• Would our loved ones want us to be without affection forever?
• Would our loved ones want us to find affection with someone else?
• Would it be ok?

A Short Discussion/Conversation About Sex and Sexuality

Sex and affection are not the same thing. That may be something to consider as you think about what you want in the relationships you form going forward. Why might we want to talk about sex? Is our interest because we want to find and have sex with others? Are we just interested in talking about it for information? Are there other things we might really want (like affection) and are we just calling them sex? What is the connection between sex and affection? Which one do we want now? Can we figure that out in advance before we start looking? Are our answers gender based? How does that play into what we look for and want to include in the relationships we form?

Is having sex by ourselves ok if that’s all we want? If it’s just sex with others we want, is it ok to have it with anyone we can find as a “quickie” without any other attachments? Does sex need to be part of multiple interactions with that person? 

Does sex need to be part of a relationship? Do we want to live with someone because we want to have sex with them? Is sex without affection and/or love what we are really looking for or what we really want in this part of our life, or do we really want it all (affection, love and sex)? 

In the end, what are we really interested in knowing or bringing into our lives that might be called sex now if anything? Again, it might be important to know in advance!

Definitions:

Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. feeling of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone: 

Sex: (chiefly with reference to people) sexual activity, including specifically, sexual intercourse. 

Sexual activity: Sexual practice, sexual behavior or very broadly sex is the set of activities people engage in that typically includes any combination ofphysical intimacy, physical contact with thereproductive organs(genitals) orerogenous zones, anderotic stimulation. 

Sexual acts: range from activities done alone (e.g., masturbation) to acts with another person (e.g., sexual intercourse, non-penetrative sex, oral sex, etc.)  or multiple persons (e.g., orgies) in varying patterns of frequency, for a wide variety of reasons. 

Sexual activity usually results in sexual arousal and physiological changes in the aroused persons, some of which are pronounced while others are more subtle.