Some of these ideas are similar to things that have come up in past meetings. I am trying to look at them here from another perspective and in a bit more detail. They are also related to the discussion on Things People Say since much of what they say that is uncomfortable for us to hear is also probably derived from some of the same places as their expectations are.
There are other people in the world:
If you are not totally isolated during your grieving, you will be interacting with people in all parts of your life. It often seems as though people rarely know what to say or do and that everyone has expectations of how you should be, what you should do and when you should do it.
Much of it is well intentioned I believe, but there may also be situations and people who have their own agendas and want you to do or be something for their own purposes.
Many people, with the best of intentions, often believing they are helping us, tend to impose their expectations on us by the way they act, how they treat us and talk to us and sometimes even by telling us what to do or when to do it.
That also includes people just wanting us to go back to being how we were. Those people, mostly the “non-bereaved”, may seem to want us to grieve quickly and “get over it” and become our old selves as soon as possible in a way that is maybe the least difficult for them to understand or deal with.
No matter what the reasons, all these expectations are things we have to deal with and find ways to cope with or work around. Some are easy and match our own inclinations while others are much more difficult and can seem or actually be hurtful and not in our best interests.
I have no easy answers on how to recognize which of these you are dealing with but as with so many things in grief, it’s usually best if it’s your way, in your own time and in what you see as your own best interests. Whenever possible, I have tried to do things when I was ready and comfortable doing them, regardless of what anyone suggested or tried to require me to do.
Get over it! NOT!
The “get over it” idea seems to be something I run into pretty often in my conversations with other bereaved spouses and partners. Whether it’s about going back to work or about just not talking or crying about it any more, there seems to be a lot of often unconscious pressure from the “non-bereaved” to have us put our grief behind us.
For many of what seem to be positive reasons to them, they want us to not be hurting or sad any longer and to get back to “normal”; to behave the way we always have. As I mentioned earlier though, there can also be an aspect of it that is to not have them be made uncomfortable by having to deal with our grief either.
I want to suggest that they may very well not understand how little control we have and that we would probably like to stop feeling and expressing our grief even more than they would like us to stop expressing it. They don’t know that it’s often not in our control and it just happens when it happens. They also probably don’t understand that grief groups, if we find them, can be and maybe should be, a major part of our healing process for a long time.
The “non-bereaved” very likely also don’t understand that our talking about our grief and our loved ones is part of what we need to do to find healing and that telling our stories, sometimes over and over is one way we have of relieving some of the intolerable stress and aching sadness that grief brings into our lives. They may become tired of hearing about our grief long before we are done grieving or before we reach a point where we stop needing to talk about it.
Some things to consider about possible reasons people react the way they do:
There is a tendency for western medicine and western thinking in general to consider death, or someone dying as a failure. Western medicine is structured to prevent dying at all costs and to make every attempt to stop it from happening.
A corollary to that way of thinking is a general feeling that there is also something inherently pathological about grief; after all, it makes us hurt and sad and often restricts our ability to function.
As an extension of that feeling, when someone grieves for longer than people feel they should, when they don’t “get over it” and return to normal behaviors, many people, again, mostly the “non-bereaved”, seem to act as though they feel that we are somehow “ill” and not dealing with our bereavement in a “strong” and healthy way.
And then there is also the general and older feeling in our society that we’ve talked about before, that one shouldn’t dwell on problems of any kind, that we should always be strong and stoic and move forward as soon as possible from any kind of emotional distress and that we should certainly keep these things (emotions and pain) to ourselves. They may feel that we should always keep our emotions private and always appear in control, at least when we are in public, if not all the time.
I talked to one older man about crying being a good release of grief emotions and his response was: “I don’t know how to cry. I’ve never done it, it wasn’t ever allowed in my life growing up or since.”
Unfortunately, this attitude is still fairly common in many older adults and wherever it comes from, it puts pressure in two directions.
As we said earlier, those external expectations get in the way of an individual expressing their grief and letting off some of the pressure.
But, it also effects how others deal with bereaved people and makes them not understand that our expressions of grief are not necessarily something we can control or, if we find ways to control them and suppress them, we may be doing ourselves more harm than good and actually may be prolonging the process of healing.
At the same time, if we don’t show our emotions and/or our grief because it makes other people uncomfortable or we feel we need to be strong; if we don’t let people see us grieving, then they get the impression that we’re fine, that we’re ok. By not showing our grief, we also give others a distorted picture of what grief is and how it effects us. How will they get it right if we don’t show them or tell them?
And, in turn, for us, not expressing our grief makes it hard to get or ask for help later down the road if we need it, because everyone thinks we are over it and they don’t understand why suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, we “relapse” and show our grief and need help and that maybe we are really not (and really never have been) ok.
And what about children (of any age)? Can we or should we express our grief in front of them or do we have to put on a strong front and create the illusion that we are not grieving or hurting? How might that impact their grief and grieving? If they don’t see us grieve or even cry, and they are hurting inside, will they feel that we don’t care like they do or that they are somehow wrong to have those feelings inside themselves? How can we help them express and deal with their grief if we feel we can’t expresses our own grief in front of them?
But if we do let children (of any age) see our grief, what will they make of it? What will they think it means, especially in terms of relationships and love? Can we find a way to be aware enough to explain?
If we are willing to create the illusion that we are strong and don’t feel anything and we hide our feelings and our grief from them, what will they think it all means? Can we instead be aware enough and courageous enough to perhaps not only show our grief but to also help the children (and others) understand what it means to us and what it might mean to them, now and in the future.
It’s important to remember here too, that everyone grieves differently, usually based on the relationship that they had and the place the person they are grieving filled in their lives. We may also want to consider that we can’t or shouldn’t expect or demand or maybe even imply that anyone grieving in our way. Everyone has the right and the need to experience their own grief in their own way.
I think it is very important that we empower ourselves to grieve and to show our grief for as long and in whatever healthy ways we need to, despite what anyone else feels is right or good for us (or for them)!
Questions:
*Have you encountered other peoples expectations of what you should or shouldn’t do?
Have you had people tell you to get over it? How did it make you feel? How did you react?
Have you experienced someone trying to tell you what to do and/or trying to take over your life.
*Have you experienced people shutting your grief expressions down and not allowing you to express them? Telling you it’s not ok to grieve?
*Have you been made to feel or had it expressed that your grieving was going on too long and that you were somehow “pathological” if you didn’t get over it quickly?
*Have you felt that people telling you to “get over it” was more about their own uncomfortableness and less about you than you would have liked or expected?
*What do you think would be a good way for you to help people understand and find some comfort in how you need to do your grieving and maybe change how they react or respond?
Can we or should we express our grief in front of our children or grandchildren or do we have to put on a strong front and not let them see how we are hurting? Which is more courageous, hiding our grief or showing it and then explaining it and why it makes us feel that way to our children or grandchildren?