Jimmy Hendrix said it a long time ago, “loneliness is a drag”. In grief, loneliness seems to show it’s face when we begin to realize how alone we really are now. The silence in our lives and the empty spaces in our homes can sometimes morph into aching loneliness and at some point, some of us may start looking for ways to end that loneliness in one way or another. That can take on a wide range of possibilities.

This is the next part in the set of discussions about bringing people into our lives and asks lots of questions, not so much about loneliness itself, but about loneliness and what we do about it and especially about how it affects our bringing other people (closely) into our lives again and how that may interact within our grief. This session is mostly about finding ways of thinking about and dealing with being alone and about loneliness and how we react to it before we find ourselves doing things to try to end that loneliness which might not be the real issues or the best solutions. 

This discussion is here to suggest that we might try to take some time to understand the causes of our loneliness. Perhaps we can also ask if, when and why we want to bring others into our lives to potentially end that loneliness and then, choose what we might do about it with intent and without illusions.

In a broader sense, it’s purpose is, as our lives begin to expand, to encourage us to think about why we are doing things before we act if we can, so that perhaps our choices and actions can not be our grief and the loneliness within it speaking and “taking control” of what we are doing. It’s also to suggest that we perhaps wait until much of the “fog” has cleared and we can do things intentionally and not bring other people and relationships into our lives just to fix our loneliness or mask our grief. 

Not that loneliness isn’t real or powerful or painful if we experience it; not that dating or entering relationships is inherently wrong. Not that it’s not ok to find and enjoy new people and/or relationships of any depth at any time along the way. This discussion is here to suggest that what we do with our loneliness and what we do about it and what we do and think about bringing other people into our lives, is important enough to stop and think about and to talk about, in advance if possible, even if we’re not interested in new relationships now, even if now isn’t the time for you to do or even consider that at any level.

Definitions:

Alone:  Having no one else present. Isolated and lonely.

Lonely/Loneliness: Sad(ness) because one has no friends or company: Sadness because we are without companions; solitary.

Sad(ness): Feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy. Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

Some ideas to think about:

We can be particularly needy and vulnerable in our grief and in the loneliness it may contain. Although loneliness is only part of our grief and the pain we feel, it can still seem or become unbearable. If we’re not careful, it can overtake our reason and our sense of caution as we try to find ways to end our loneliness.

Maybe we were never lonely or never lived alone in the past. If it is something we’ve experienced however, based on what we may remember, loneliness usually had its resolutions in finding and being with another person or group of people, often in some sort of friendship(s) or relationship(s). We weren’t lonely when someone was there with us in some way for a significant amount of the time. Most recently in our lives, loneliness was most likely satisfied by our loved ones who are now, unfortunately, no longer there to fill that need.

In our grief, our loneliness if we feel it, can become magnified by the emptiness and the echoes of our love in our homes. If it starts to become overwhelming, we may begin to think or feel that maybe we could fix it, that we would somehow not feel lonely anymore if we could only find someone to spend time with. If we could only fill the emptiness with someone’s presence, perhaps if we were in another relationship like the one we had, then maybe our pain and loneliness would all get better and go away. If we could only find someone to be there, maybe we wouldn’t be lonely anymore and maybe even our grief would get better or end. 

But since this is grief we’re dealing with, most times, we don’t actually miss having someone in our lives, we miss having our spouse or partner; our loved one, in our lives. They are irreplaceable! They are probably what we really miss and want. But in our grief, we can sometimes seem to forget that and just start wanting anyone to fill that emptiness with their presence. We might convince ourselves that this is what we need now and we may find ourselves thinking and doing anything we can, just to fill that empty space, just to stop the loneliness.

So, maybe, as we try to navigate being alone, instead of just trying to end it, we can try to learn to recognize where the loneliness comes from if we feel it and learn to understand why we feel it and that it is often accentuated by our grief. Maybe we can eventually learn to be ok on our own, lonely or not. And maybe if we want to, later down the road, while we are still working on being ok alone, it can be a better time to look at the possibilities of bringing new people closely into our life with awareness and for reasons and in situations we are in control of.

Alternatively, maybe you aren’t lonely and don’t mind being alone. And maybe you aren’t interested in or can’t even think about bringing someone into your life now at all. 

Maybe, even if you are lonely, its not the time or there is no place in your grief for someone else. Maybe you just want to grieve your loved one and somehow get through that and the loneliness it contains before you consider anything or anyone else (if you ever do). Maybe you have to do that, maybe you should do that… 

Maybe you aren’t lonely because you have friends to spend time with. Maybe this group and the people in it are satisfying some or all of that need for people in your life and that’s ok too.

Rebounds and who are they really: A cautionary tale!!

In our grief, we may tell ourselves that our loved ones would want us to find another someone, that they would not want us to be alone and lonely (forever). They may even have told us that. And it may even be true. It may even be ok.

But in the loneliness of our grief, we can also let that thought become a self-justifying permission for us to move on quickly and grab on to anyone who comes along just so we are not alone and lonely anymore. Sometimes we can go to great lengths to convince ourselves and create illusions that this is the one, that this person is going to take away the hurt, the pain and the loneliness (and the grief?) just by being there, no matter who or what they are. 

And sometimes, a new person does find their way into our life early on and becomes important, becomes someone we can find comfort and friendship and (slowly) build affection and love with. We might even find someone else who is grieving to spend time with, perhaps as a friend to begin with and through that friendship, help each other find the companionship, relationships and healing we need.

But more often, we may have to find ourselves first. It may be better for all involved if we learn to become ok with being alone and we become well enough, healed enough, and strong enough to have something worth sharing with others besides our continuing grief. We may want to learn to be ok with ourselves before we jump into a “fix my loneliness” relationship. 

It’s like the old rebound effect. When we were young, if we broke up with a boyfriend or girlfriend (or they broke up with us), we often immediately jumped into another relationship to fill that gap in our lives. In those situations, it usually (though not always) didn’t work out for very long or very well. They were usually just substitutes or perhaps distractions or diversions, and our hearts knew it even if our minds and bodies didn’t!

Maybe we were lucky and the first one became the only one! Maybe we spent most  or all of our adult life with that one person. What a potentially wonderful thing. But unfortunately, it also leaves us without any experiences about being alone and lonely in the past to help us know what to do now. 

But if the first one wasn’t “the only one”, then maybe we did the rebound thing at least once along the way when we were younger. Sometimes, we can still do it now, forgetting, or not caring that it might be just a rebound now as well. 

Sometimes, maybe in the worst part of our grief and loneliness, if a person offers us kindness, affirmation, compassion or empathy and makes us feel important, special and maybe even loved, that person can very quickly become the object of our attention and affection. All our safety valves can be turned off, we can ignore the red warning-flags and we can plunge ahead with no caution into relationships of various intensities that are potentially just substitutes for our loved ones that may make us feel less lonely for a time.

The people we find if we (blindly) search for someone to just fill that loneliness may often look and sound and even feel good for a time. It might even be fun for a while, but once they win us over in some way, once we drop our resistance, what happens then? What do they look like or become then? Will they remain the same? Can we know in advance?

Especially if we meet them online, are they who they claim to be? Who are they really? What do they really want, especially if they are “non-bereaved”. Why are they looking at our damaged hearts and souls so intently? What are they looking for and expecting to get from being with us? 

If they are pressuring us to be or do or share something, why is that? Why would anyone who had our best interests at heart pressure us in any way at all?

Or, to be fair, are they just good people we were fortunate to meet who are wanting to help make it better and help sooth our hurt and sadness just because they want to and they genuinely care? Are they lonely too? Our hearts know if we listen to them and not to our illusions!

Maybe we need to consider and be aware that as grieving spouses and partners, we may become targets for unscrupulous people to take advantage of in our loneliness.

The National Media has investigated online dating scams! Here is a link to one of those seriously cautionary reports:

https://www.cbs.com/shows/video/7gi1kJ5a1fBlOoFHIOYSb8OZU8T3Bp4_/

Waiting and paying attention:

If we want to look at other people to bring into our lives, especially when we are feeling lonely, maybe it would be good if we could at least wait long enough to make sure our minds are back in gear, that our grief has gotten somewhat under control and the fog has mostly cleared before we begin doing that. 

If we do choose to meet new people, maybe it would also be good to make sure that whenever we meet someone in any environment, that we stay safe and that we make sure we ask the hard questions, of ourselves and of them and expect to get honest answers in return. If we don’t get honest answers or those answers we do get don’t feel right or resonate right within us, instead of ignoring them and going forward anyway, perhaps it would be good if we could be focused enough to recognize that they don’t feel right. 

Perhaps we can learn to be able to walk away and say no thanks in some way that works for us, no matter how lonely we feel.

It also seems good here (and all along the way) to remember that we are indeed grieving and our grief often does strange things to our thoughts and emotions. Especially in the early part of the journey, our judgement is often compromised and what we think and feel may not be us at all, it may be our grief (and our loneliness) speaking and we might not want to act on it right away, even though it seems reasonable at the time. What may seem like a good idea in our grief-filled and lonely lives, under other circumstances, we might see things quite differently and might recognize those things as not such good ideas or ways of behaving.

We often hear or read that it is best if we can hold off from making important decisions in our grief for as long as possible, maybe through the entire first year if we can. 

So if things like quickly selling your house, selling your car, quitting your job, or moving out-of-state are all things to give yourself some time to consider before you do them, then new relationships, bringing people you hardly know deeply into your life, sharing your resources, and especially doing so quickly, might be even more important things to hold off on. It might be important to wait until your mind and emotions begin to clear of the “fog” and you can act with purpose and intent and not just react or overreact in trying to fill an un-fillable need.

Later in our journeys, perhaps after the fog has lifted (however long that may take) and we have found some healing, when we are maybe becoming more comfortable with what is happening in our lives, maybe when we are emotionally really ready to do so and not so consumed with grief and loneliness, we can then begin to investigate safe and reasonable possibilities for bringing new people into our world to enrich our lives and not just to stop us from being lonely. 

But, just to look at it from a different point of view and ask a different question here; if we are alone and lonely and we don’t like it, why is it not ok to begin to bring people into our lives relatively soon, so we aren’t alone and lonely any more? Can we find safe ways and places to do that if we choose to? Are others who are bereaved a better choice when looking for companionship then the “non-bereaved”? Can friendships fill our loneliness or do we need to have relationships that look like what we had in the past?

As in all aspects of grieving, we each need to find our own answers and find what works for us in our own way and in our own time. There are no all-purpose answers, there are no single right answers that fit everyone but as in most parts of grief,  it might be good to ask ourselves what and why we are making the choices we are, before we begin searching for someone just to “fill our loneliness”.

Next time, we will investigate how we might feel about affection and sex and following that, over two meetings, we will take a long look at dating and relationships.  We will ask lots of questions that we might want to ask ourselves before we begin or continue bringing people closely into our life again. Here too, even if you are not interested or ready to act on or experience any of these things, it’s good to think about them in advance, just in case, out of the blue, someone special shows up in your life.